Recently, I was talking with a friend who shared a stressful work experience where he was given a new responsibility and no training. Worse, it appeared that there was an unrealistic deadline given for the project. I told him that it sounded like he was being set-up to fail. There are managers who will use the set-up to fail technique to encourage an employee to resign or to establish a reason to fire someone. While setting up someone fail is a poor and unethical practice in the workplace, I think that being set-up to fail is more often an unintentional act or life circumstance. For instance, I do not believe parents would intentionally set their children up to fail. Children inherit values and virtue as well as stocks and bonds. They benefit from living in a faith filled home, a good education, good nutrition, plenty of exercise, and most important, the love and support of parents. It goes without saying that the opposite is true.
History and cycles of family function and disfunction factor heavily in shaping the lives of children. It takes hard work, grounded in self-knowledge, to break a cycle of disfunction. Perhaps harder still, is to resist taking for granted a healthy family structure.
We often talk of our church in terms of being a family. What we often forget is that I bring my family history into the church family structure - warts and all. Attending church as a young man I found role models, older men that I admired and respected. They reinforced what I was taught at home and provided different points of view. I have also experienced disfunction in the church family. There are bullies, both men and women who insist on getting there way. Others, who when feeling hurt, withheld their pledge, like a spouse withholding affection.
Change in family/church dynamics is constant. Many of us remember a time when our family gathered on Sunday, often at a grandparent’s home. There was plenty of food, and lots of conversations. After the grandparents died, it was harder to stay connected, after all we have our own families to tend to, and new family traditions to create. Yet, there is a yearning for those fondly remembered and familiar days. And with that yearning comes the temptation to invest our time recreating the past. And for the church, especially when the leadership has fond memories of full pews and lots of children, the yearning for the past becomes a kind of prayer. But like the family that reminisces about Sunday dinners at grandma’s house, we need to invest in the next generation. Hanging on to the past, at the expense of not reaching for and investing in the future, is surely setting ourselves up to fail.
This investment takes our time, talent, and treasure. This is true for both our home and church families. Within our respective families, we need to overcome the cycles of disfunction and create a culture of love and respect. Unfortunately, in our families, and perhaps in ourselves, we see the unbroken chains of destructive behaviors whether it be a history of alcoholism, verbal, mental or physical abuse. Within the church family, a history of chewing up pastors or resisting change, deciding not to break the family/church dysfunctional cycle, is setting ourselves up to fail.
This failing is not a measure of being successful. Rather being set-up to fail is like a wound, an infection of mind, body, and spirit. The opposite this failing is being set-up to thrive, reaching our human potential. Stewardship of our personal families, even as individuals, as well as our church families, is being intentional about creating an environment – setting ourselves up to grow in love and wisdom.